In response to an article I read in the local college newspaper called The Scroll I felt it my duty to answer the question of the article entitled Should Girls Ask Guys On Dates?. I thought I’d weigh in because they did not answer the question and their interviews were poorly done.
Before I begin, I’d like to share my resume as to why I feel I am able to shed light on this subject.
Being only two years into my marriage I don’t give out advice in that department as much as I take it. It’ll be a few year before I can look at a young couple and give advice they didn’t ask for, but for now I stick to dating advice. I know one day you’ll thank me.
Would I consider myself a dating guru?
No.
Would I consider myself knowledgable about what does and does not work when trying to obtain a date or a boyfriend?
Yes.
Is it because I’ve had so many dates and boys asked me out all the time?
No.
I like to think o of myself as a representative of the average girl. In this case I don’t mean average in a bad way, I’m a 5’6″ brown haired white girl of unmentionable weight. It’s pretty average not to mention my weight because I’d say because most women, no matter their size would not disclose their weight. I have my I feel “hot” day good days and my “please don’t take my picture” days about my looks. No one’s completely comfortable about how they look all the time unless they’ve surgically manufactured their face and body to look the way they wanted. I haven’t gone that far yet.
So, I’m average. Meaning, those years of being single and quietly obsessed with it (hopefully), I feel like it gave me a heart and I know how most women feel about dating.
By the time I started dating my now husband, I had just figured out how to be complete with being single. Ironic, I know. It wasn’t a “I don’t need no man” attitude, I had acquired an understanding how to approach men and talk to them no matter the outcome. It was freeing. If that one didn’t want to progress in a relationship I knew I’d meet another or another. The confidence is astounding. There’s always opportunities to find someone who sees your worth and that you’re more than “average”.
I wasn’t ancient when I got married but I had been around the dating scene long enough to figure out how it worked. Now that you’ve read through me short (or lengthy) summary, I feel that I can give you my unwarranted advice about dating now. For this topic, I hope you take it. It starts with a story, so with out further ado…
That One Time:
I had just moved back to Charlotte, NC and started attending my church’s singles congregation. I was young and still naive about dating, it was prior to my awakening. It was 18 – 30 year olds. I found a boy about a year younger than me and I immediately thought he was attractive. It’s always a toss up if a younger man will want to date an older lady, but that’s for another post. We flirted at weekly activities and scripture study groups. It was thrilling to see how he reacted to my subtle advances but it went on like this for about four agonizing months, back and forth, and back and forth. But he wasn’t asking me out.
One day me and One Year Younger were on the piano bench just playing around on the piano. It was a very flirty exchange and we were alone. It was the perfect opportunity for him to ask me on an official outing outside of church functions. Nothing.
My friend whom I’ll call Fearless because she’s completely herself in every social situation. Whenever I was around her I become a little braver and get out of my comfort zone. She comes in and accidentally interrupts us, she apologetically tries to leave after seeing the exchange between OYY and me, but the moment was gone. So, One Year Younger, gets up and “has to get going”. I quickly turn to Fearless after he leaves and express my frustration about this guy, “HE WON’T ASK ME OUT!” and I knew he’d thought about it. Then Fearless had this amazing idea, “Ask HIM out.” I had my reservations. I’d never done it before but I was with Fearless. I went through how or if I should. I opted for a compromise. I saw that One Year Younger was in the hallway still talking, so I still had time for my plan. I wrote on a piece of paper: “Ask Me on a Date!” along with my phone number, no name written so he’d HAVE to call and I slipped it hastily between the window and the wiper of his car. Then I left like a mad woman calling my best friend and roommate on the way home to freak out.
Right after I did it my heart was racing and my mind went to all of the scenarios. Due to all of the different ways I imagined he’d react, I cannot, to this day remember what he did next. Somehow he contacted me and did ask me on a date. So, yes, I got the date. It happened. I was excited and overjoyed that my plan had panned out.
On a sunny Saturday, we went and played disc golf at a local park and had lunch afterwards. It was unique enough, but it was a horrible date. There was no chemistry anymore, there was no spark, and I was NOT into it. The conversation lulled and many times I wasn’t sure what I should say. He even made some “moves” as we played disc golf and it just felt awkward and forced.
We did not go out again and neither of us were upset about it. Later, my guy friend, let me know in confidence that One Year Younger had spoken to him about the date. He told him that he was planning on asking me out prior to my “carpe diem” moment and that the chase was gone after I took the first step.
It was confirmed to me, after my one experience, that asking men out on dates is not the way to go. It took the air out of the tires for both of us. I felt like I had to defend myself the entire time we were on the date and that he was only there out of obligation to be a good person. I figured out I didn’t really like him as much as I thought and I think he felt it too.
The answer to “Should Girls Ask Guys Out on Dates?” is answered with another question “Do you want a date or a relationship?” If you want the latter, you have to let the guy do the chasing, otherwise it’s not a prize their getting at the end. And men like to win. It is just a fact.
As said so eloquently by dating and love expert Matthew Hussey:”We all appreciate the things we have to work for and place less value on things we’re given for free. The people we find ourselves attracted to are those whose attention we’ve had to earn. A woman with high standards is effortlessly attractive to men, because she gives them something to which they must aspire.”
Because One Year Younger didn’t have to work for the date he placed less value on it and therefore we both weren’t “feeling” it by date’s end. Matthew goes on: “When a guy feels as if he hasn’t earned your attention and that you’ll be impressed no matter what he says, it kills his attraction. If he feels as if he could say or do whatever he wants, be as rude or obnoxious as he wants, and still get your attention no matter how he behaves, his attraction slowly dwindles.” Which is exactly what happened in my case, he felt that even though he’d wanted to ask me out at some point, I had taken away the idea that I was “challenge” and therefore he lost interest.
I wanted to find a relationship and so I stopped asking men on dates. There are other ways to letting them know you are interested without actually having to be so blatant and taking the wind out of your sails.
I would know. It helped me get married.
Passionately,
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